Expected
Conduct of Participants in a Collaborative Family Law Process
At four-way meetings
Most of the progress in a collaborative family law process
is made at four-way meetings, where the parties and their lawyers
meet. To make the best use of those meetings, and to ensure that
the collaborative process is given the best chance to succeed,
the participants in those meetings are expected to act in a way
that promotes communication and cooperation. The collaborative
family law process is more likely to succeed, if the participants
recognize and follow the following guidelines.
- Say what you mean: sentences starting with "I
think..." or "I need..." say a lot more about
you, than sentences that start with "You are an..."
or "You shouldn't have...".
- Respond to what your spouse says: listen, try to
understand, and give a response that deals with the issues and
concerns, and that is not an attack against your spouse.
- Be prepared to express your own feelings, for the
purpose of helping your spouse understand what is happening,
and without attacking your spouse.
- Remember that the collaborative process is intended
to be a positive process for finding solutions, and not a negative
process of dwelling on faults and failures.
- If your dispute involves young children, then put
those children and their interests ahead of your interests and
your spouse's interests.
- Deal with your anger, outside the meeetings.
- Let your spouse speak: don't interrupt.
- Speak in a civil and informal manner (you should
expect to speak on a first-name basis, with your spouse, your
lawyer, and your spouse's lawyer).
- Focus on the substance of the difficulties, more
than on your own position on each of those difficulties.
Before, between and after four-way meetings
The structure of four-way meetings, and other parts of the
collaborative process, can help to ensure that the process "stays
on track" during those meetings. Sometimes, progress at those
meetings can be lost if the parties do not bring the same sort
of conduct and control to their dealings outside the formal meetings.
It is therefore important for you and your spouse to work reasonably
and with respect outside the meetings, as well as during those
meetings. We recommend the following.
- unless you are very comfortable and confident in
communicating with your spouse, try to limit your conversations
to the types of things that are necessary, and try avoid dealing
with matters that are better left for the controlled environment
of the four-way meetings
- do not do anything that would affect the position
or rights of either party, unless there is a clear agreement
to do so (e.g., do not alter access schedules, do not sell assets,
do not plan on any move of your residence)
Expectations from Your Lawyer
Just as a collaborative family lawyer expects his or her client
to follow certain guidelines during the collaborative process,
a client should also expect the lawyer to behave and perform in
a positive way, that also supports the collaborative process.
Many collaborative family lawyers would agree that the following
are attributes to be expected of them in a collaborative file:
- effective communication with all participants, including
the client and the other lawyer
- availability to deal with critical issues that might
arise between four-way meetings
- commitment of the time necessary to schedule and
attend four-way meetings as necessary
- ability and willingness to explain and advise the
client on the process and the client's legal rights and responsibilities
- ability to listen and understand the interests of
both parties
- understanding of the dispute as part of a "big
picture" that includes the entire family, and the emotions
and difficulties that appear when relationships end
- an appreciation for understanding both sides of
the dispute, while maintaining a role as advocate for only one
side
- willingness to educate a client about all aspects
of the dispute
- sufficient humility to realize that lawyers cannot
provide all the answers, and that some of the answers should
come from the parties, and from other professionals involved
in the collaborative file
You will see that in some ways, those characteristics reflect
the collaborative process itself.
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