Author's note: this is a work in progress; it will most likely be corrected, edited, and re-issued many times before it can be considered even close to being complete; suggestions are invited from the many readers who might contribute their superior knowledge of Buddhism and of collaborative family law.
Siddhartha Gautama ("the" Buddha who developed the body of knowledge and belief that has become known as Buddhism) left his wife and children, and did not have the benefit of collaborative family law to deal with those relationships. This is not an essay on whether or how the Buddha should have dealt with his own "issues" when he separated from his wife; rather, it attempts to address the ways the Buddha's teachings might apply today to problems arising from breakdowns in relationships. The lessons taught by the Buddha may very well be applicable to people suffering at the end of a relationship, whether or not they know, follow or believe any of the teachings of Buddhism.
This essay discusses the applicability of basic Buddhist principles, to collaborative family law. This essay is not intended to convert anyone to Buddhism, and it does not pretend to being Buddhists closer to enlightenment. Instead, it might offer some insights that can help anyone get a better understanding of the challenges facing couples at the end of their relationships. Just as collaborative family represents a new paradigm for helping people at the end of a relationship, a Buddhist view of collaborative family law might give people a different (and helpful) view of the collaborative family law process.
Buddhist beliefs are based on the understanding of three concepts: impermanence, non-self, and nirvana. Impermanence refers to the ever-changing nature of reality: the person you are at this moment, is not the same as the person you were a moment ago, and the person you will be tomorrow, is not the same as the person you are today. Non-self does should not be mistaken for non-existence: there is no doubt that you exist, but the key is that you do not exist as a completely independent being; everything about you is dependent on everything else, and everything else depends on you. The third concept, nirvana, represents a state achieved when there is a clear awareness of non-self and nirvana.
Through various techniques, Buddhists learn and apply principles known as the Four Noble Truths. The Four Noble Truths have been expressed many ways, but they can fairly accurately be described as the truths of the existence of suffering, the cause of suffering, the possibility of an end of suffering, and the path to the end of suffering.
If you believe you now have a clear understanding of Buddhism based on the preceding two paragraphs, you may consider yourself enlightened. Don't count on it! The information in this essay is superficial at best, and it could take you a lifetime (or several lifetimes) to understand those concepts completely.
Impermanence and non-self have been described as inter-related, with each being a cause and an effect of the other. For our purposes, though, we shall first deal with the notion of impermanence, as that is often the first and most intense concept that confronts separated couples. If a separated spouse is aware that relationships are constantly changing, and that he or she is constantly changing, and that his or her spouse is constantly changing, then that might be a first step toward accepting the reality of the separation. Complaints of "She isn't like she used to be" or "He isn't the same man I married" might fade, or at least might be understood as a natural development. An understanding of impermanence (in a relationship) can also lead to a decreased desire to control, just as an understanding of impermanence (in more general terms) can lead to an appreciation of non-self. Without going so far as to encourage or praise separation for the sake of separation, an appreciation of impermanence can make it easier to get on with new plans, and prepare for new relationships. If a past relationship (and a past spouse) can be seen as constantly changing, it will be less likely that either spouse will want things to go back to the way they were.
As noted above, the Buddhist concept of non-self is not intended to decrease the worth of an individual: Buddhists respect all "sentient" (feeling) beings. An awareness of non-self is akin to an awareness of the interconnectedness among beings. At a family level, an awareness of non-self is an awareness of the importance of the family, over the interests of any individual in the family group. That is not a value judgment, but instead is a pragmatic view of what might be in the best interests of all the members of the family. The traditional litigious approach to resolving family law disputes is very much a self-centred approach: each party attempts to get the optimal result from the dispute, without much concern for the best interests of the other members of the family. Lawyers have been taught (and lawyers teach their clients) to wave the "best interests of the child" flag whenever possible, but those interests continue to be interpreted and applied according to the individual goals of individual parties. If the presumption of self-interest can be replaced by a presumption of common (family) interest, then individual success can be replaced by a commitment to cooperation for the benefit of the family. It is clear that the "family" no longer exists in the same form it had before a breakdown in a relationship (given the notion of impermanence, it continually changed from the time it began), but there are still a series of relationships (father-mother, father-child, sibling-sibling) that will continue to exist, and that will continue to evolve. Those new relationships must succeed, rather then being injured or destroyed through conflict.
Some people mistakenly consider nirvana to be a state of nothingness. It is not that. Without getting bogged down in esoteric notions of nirvana, it is likely enough for the purposes of this essay to start by saying that nirvana is a state that is achieved when a person has a true awareness and understanding of impermanence and non-self. Although nirvana is not precisely the same as a state of non-suffering, it is similar to that. Buddhists refer to samsara (a cyclic existence of suffering); nirvana is (in a vague and inaccurate way) the "flip side of the samsara coin". For separating spouses, the expectation of "post-separation nirvana" can be a goal. After years of arguing, suffering, fighting, conflict, stress, and personal decay, it should not be too difficult for a person to adopt notions of non-self and impermanence, as a way to get rid of the problems of a relationship. With a bit of thought, it should become clear that the breakdown of a relationship does not necessarily result in contentment. It is likely closer to the truth, to recognize that contentment comes from an appropriate resolution of the issues that accompany the breakdown.
The First Noble Truth is the existence of suffering. It may be difficult for someone at the end of a relationship to grasp the concepts of non-self, impermanence and nirvana. It should, though, be extremely simple for anyone leaving a relationship to be aware of the existence of suffering. Although there are those who will leave a relationship on a whim, most will admit that the reason for leaving was based on difficulties. Those difficulties may range from violent physical abuse, through incessant incompatibility, to lingering doubts, but virtually all separated spouses will acknowledge that they have left the relationship because they want things to become better. Sometimes, a spouse might have difficulty accepting the fact that there was suffering (or, at least, accepting the seriousness of the suffering), and counseling might be necessary to bring about a true awareness of the suffering. In any case, though, there will be an acknowledgment of suffering. Suffering is not good (or, at least, is not desireable). It might provide a reason for compassion, but it does not give us many other benefits. The awareness is necessary on its own, and might be sufficient. There may be many other emotions attached to the suffering (revenge, hate, lust, regret, etc.), but the focus should be on awareness. If the suffering has been too intense, or if a person is unable to deal with the other spouse because of continuing attachments to the suffering, then communication might not be feasible, and collaboration might not be feasible. If, though, the suffering does not overwhelm any participation in the collaborative family law process, then the process might still continue.
Coaches, psychologists, counselors, ministers and others might be able to assist with the suffering, or at least might be able to recognize the extent of the suffering and its influence on the collaborative process. As difficult as it might be to collaborate under a cloud of suffering, the pain of litigation could be even more of a burden.
The Second Noble Truth is the cause of suffering. Suffering is caused by attachment. There are two main types of attachment: clinging and craving. Clinging represents an attachment to things (or people) that are already within one's control, including memories of past experiences. Craving represents a desire to have something that is not within one's grasp. Typically, at the end of a relationship, either or both of the spouses will be overcome by a desire to go back to "the good old days" (clinging to circumstances which have not existed for a long time), or a desire to move on to something better (craving a situation which does not exist in the present time, and which might never exist in the future). Separating spouses must become aware of the cause of their current suffering. Whether or not that awareness is important in the collaborative family law process, it is very important as a step toward dealing with the suffering. In those cases where the specific causes of suffering are not overwhelming, a recognition of those causes can be important in the collaborative law process. A very common example is the connection between poor communication and marital breakdowns: if a spouse (with or without the assistance of a coach, counselor, or other person) can understand the particulars of poor communication during a relationship, that understanding might help to form the basis of improved communication during collaborative meetings. Similarly, if control and manipulation by one party (i.e., that party's attachment to power and control) have been hallmarks of the relationship, then steps must be taken to deal with that problem if the collaborative process is to succeed.
The Third Noble Truth is the existence of an end to suffering: an awareness that the suffering does not have to continue. Many experienced family lawyers will be sure to advise their clients that a decision to end a relationship can often be the first step toward a much better life. That advice is often tempered with advice and information about the emotional, physical, and financial costs of litigation, but it is important for separated spouses to realize that steps can be taken to move from unsatisfactory relationships, to new ways of living. There will likely not be a bed of roses outside the door at the end of each four-way or other collaborative family law meeting, but there will be an opportunity to move on, and to move away from the past suffering. If Buddhists can take heart in the prospect of many lifetimes of effort to achieve nirvana, then separated spouses should be able to accept the breakdown of a relationship as a necessary and positive step toward happiness.
The Fourth Noble Truth discusses the path leading to the end of suffering. The path is known as the Noble Eight-Fold Path, and it is in some ways equivalent to the Ten Commandments of the Christian faith. The Noble Eight-Fold Path can be a guide for living, but it can also provide specific guidance for those involved in the collaborative family law process.
It has been said that a creative scholar could interpret the back of a cereal box, and infer enough wisdom to make the world a perfect place for everyone. Whether or not that is true, it is certainly true that there are a great many words of wisdom, from many sources, written by many wise people, that could serve as a guide for anyone, whether or not involved in the collaborative law process. The principles discussed in this essay are principles that could benefit separated spouses, just as they could benefit collaborative family lawyers and other professionals involved in the collaborative family law process.
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